Platonic love is defined as “attraction to another person based on the capacity or desire to form a close bond or friendship with them” (pg. 59). However, platonic love is a concept that is often approached with skepticism today. One of the most common questions asked about platonic love in general remains: “Is platonic love real?” What is less known is that there is a deep history of dismissing platonic love that actually goes back centuries.

The concept of platonic love emerged in the 15th century from interpretations of the affection between males that the Ancient Greek philosopher Plato described. However, when it was applied to relationships between men and women in later centuries, it became viewed with skepticism. It was a common belief, as written by D. W. Cummings in 1914, that “the sexes can’t cross except in [romantic] love.” Platonic love has a history of being devalued in comparison to romantic love.

Men who engaged in platonic love were viewed as immature and it was believed that “a mature man could simply not love a woman platonically” (pg. 60). A woman was viewed as only interested in forming a platonic relationship for deceptive purposes. An article for The Lady’s Realm magazine in 1900 noted that a woman would only pursue such a platonic bond with a man if “she intends the man to make love to her after she has had enough of the preliminary nonsense.”

Historically, platonic love between men and women was generally viewed as only possible when existing as a precursor to romantic love or if the lover was immature. Benjamin Jowett in 1884, for instance, noted that such relationships “are very likely to become foolish” unless great care is taken within the relationship to avoid such an outcome. Even platonic love between men and men and between women and women became more scrutinized at the turn of the 20th century, especially in regard to physical touch.

Skepticism of platonic love remains prevalent today regardless of how a person experiences sexual and romantic attraction (if they do). For example, when someone who is sexually attracted to women forms a platonic relationship with a woman, others might be quick to view that relationship with skepticism, thinking that it is destined to evolve into ‘something more.’ This is because sexual and romantic attraction are viewed as more powerful orienting forces than platonic attraction, meaning that it is believed they will always ‘overtake’ platonic bonds.

However, such domineering skepticism surrounding platonic love has “undoubtedly stifled the formation of intimate friendships” (pg. 63) and devalued friendships when compared to sexual or romantic relationships. As a result of these dominant social attitudes to platonic love, people may believe that forming platonic relationships (especially with people they may be attracted to in other respects) is impossible or always doomed to fail. Is this deep-rooted dismissal of platonic love then creating negative consequences in our lives? Are there many potential relationships that we are missing out on because of how platonic love has been dismissed?

The history of platonic love is discussed in further depth in Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity: https://unbound.com/books/ending-the-pursuit. E-book: https://www.amazon.com/Ending-Pursuit-Asexuality-Aromanticism-Identity-ebook/dp/B0CDRBJ6KL

Article art by Michael Paramo.