my first kisses

in first grade, a weird boy would run around and chase me. if he caught me, he would give me kisses and i thought it was gross! most other gay men i know have talked about many sexual experiences as a kid. this instance is the closest to sex i had ever been until my first time!

what gray-asexuality means to me

i'm in the gray-area between having sexual attractions and none at all. it changes depending on the person and other indeterminate variables, but 99% of the time i'd much rather have a nice conversation than roll in the hay with an attractive man. fortunately, this is rarely an issue with my gay friends since i'm clear about my boundaries. i do feel like an outcast at times, though.

pro wrestling

i was exposed to pro wrestling through my extended family. it was a secondhand interest, but it was the first time i gravitated towards male bodies: beefy men, nearly nude, form-fitting attire. to this day, i prefer men in choice clothing rather than full-nudity.

why am i gray-asexual

i'm sure it's mostly biological in a way that's wired in me. also, i can't help but think about the trauma of growing up in the catholic church: "no sex before marriage! sex is only between a man and a woman!" and such. regardless, sex has been a low-tier issue for me until it's plopped right in front of my body.

crushes

before i came out, i had crushes on my high school teachers, friends, pro wrestlers, and old men. i had no idea what to do with that information: there was no desire to be sexual nor romantic with them. i know i would have enjoyed a friendship and hugs, but that's where my imagination stopped.

straight → aro → homo → gray

the first 22 years of my life i incorrectly assumed i was straight. at 22, i realised i wanted neither sex nor a relationship with anybody, so i self-identified as aromantic asexual. three years later, i admitted to myself that i was attracted to bears, but only aesthetically. i still believe i was attracted to women, though. later that year, after seeing a photograph of two men holding hands, i came out as homoromantic asexual. after many types of experiences, i added the "gray" to asexuality because it felt more accurate to be less exact about my identity.

love,

daniel p. lopez